How to Plan a Birthday Party Without Crying

A straightforward checklist, whimsical ideas, and some big feelings.

I made a little video essay about birthdays to accompany this article! If you’ve been reading Feeling! and never seen my face or heard what my voice sounds like — mystery solved :)

How to Plan a Birthday Party Without Crying

One year ago, I was in such a prolonged, anxious panic that I thought I'd be stuck forever. We had made the decision, Connor and I, to move to New York City. I could see the potential, sure, but I was nearly blinded by fear. Fear was like the foggy, wrong-prescription glasses from middle school I held on to for way too long. I squinted at the city lights in the distance, but the fear so blurred my perspective, I almost couldn't see how beautiful they were.

We first discussed a move in 2023. We were in Boston on Valentine's Day and having a blast. At dinner, Connor says, "You know we could live in a big city if we wanted to." The thought had never even occurred to me — that we could pack everything and start fresh somewhere that inspired us. It sparked a little curiosity, but I grasped quickly for my old trusty anxiety glasses, put them on, and began to list the reasons it would all be so impractical.

The conversation would pop up every now and again. I would drown any ounce of excitement or intrigue in the same list of fears each time:

Why would we move somewhere where it is so expensive to live? We don't have the money to do that. What if we get up there and totally run out of money?

We don't know anyone who lives there. Are we supposed to start over completely from scratch? What if we go and we are all alone? How does someone even find a friend in a city so big?

I will upset my family and friends if I move away. And I can't make people upset.

Every conversation was some iteration of these three core fears. I'd cry and panic, and anxiety would come out sideways if I spent too long thinking about it.

And yet. I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if it's meant for us? What if New York were better for us than here? What if we make new friends? What if I love it? What if it works out somehow?

And the itch to go — to jump into the unknown together — grew and grew until I couldn't deny it. The adventure of the rambling subway and city lights called loudly. The anxieties didn't go away, but faith and hope got louder.

What if I love it? What if it works out?

And so, a year ago, we were living in a guest room, with our stuff in storage, saving every dollar we had, waiting on the right apartment to pop up. And it did. And we put everything we had not sold in a cargo van and started a new adventure from scratch. I cried as we hit the interstate out of my hometown early that morning, with the sun barely rising into the darkness, the familiar in the rearview. We didn't know anyone or really anything about living in a city, but we were heading down the highway towards it.

What happened on the other side of surrender was abundance and blessing. I wish I could hug the one-year-ago Jenna and tell her how great it was going to be — how she'd make so many friends that she would forget she was ever scared of being alone. How New York felt as if it was meant for her, and she’d love it more than she ever could have guessed.

I surrendered my fears instead of surrendering to my fears. How? It sounds simple, but it wasn't straightforward; it was a slowly-over-time-stretch of the faith muscle. I decided I'd like to be the kind of adult who is brave, and then I tried to hold myself accountable to that. I took every thought captive.

"Is this something a brave person would do?”

“Is this something a brave person would think?”

It was very uncomfortable and hard to try to dwell on hope instead of fear, but over time, the muscle strengthened.

From Fear to Celebration

What culminated in this reflection and celebration of change in myself was my birthday party. My first birthday in the city, surrounded by people I loved but didn't even know a year ago. An astounding realization — prayers answered in front of me. As I planned this gathering, I realized I was applying the same intentionality I'd learned through moving — choosing hope over fear, purpose over perfection.

The party became more than just a birthday celebration. It was proof that I had become the brave person I'd set out to be. I was no longer the anxious girl squinting through fear-fogged glasses. I was someone who could gather new friends around a picnic blanket and celebrate the gift they'd become to me.

If birthdays make you emotional — whether from anxiety about planning, fear of not being worth celebrating, or overwhelm about where to start — I'm here to help. This exact approach (funfetti and cherries, haha) has been tested and proven to work whimsically well, focusing on intention rather than perfection.

Here is a step-by-step guide to piece together a party for you or someone else, meant to lessen the load of planning:

The Foundation: Define Your Purpose

Before you pick a single decoration or send one invitation, grab a piece of paper and write down exactly what the purpose of your gathering is. This isn't just "to celebrate my birthday" — go deeper!

Is it to mark a personal milestone you've achieved? To gather people who don't normally see each other? To celebrate a season of growth? To set intentions for the year ahead with people who will support you?

This year, the purpose of my birthday gathering was specific: to celebrate the kindness my new friends had shown me and acknowledge how they'd become such unexpected gifts in my life. Once I defined that goal clearly, every other decision fell into place naturally.

Take time with this step. Your purpose will guide everything from who you invite to what activities you choose. It transforms party planning from a stressful checklist into meaningful intention-setting.

Common party planning anxiety: "What if people think this is dumb?"

Remember: when you're clear on your purpose, you attract people who align with that vision. The right people will love what you create!

Choose Your Visual Identity

Now that you know your purpose, think about how you want the celebration to feel! Write down some descriptive words, then look for common threads.

For me, I wanted the party to feel: light-hearted, summer campy, whimsical, childlike, sweet, retro, community-oriented.

When I browsed Pinterest with these themes in mind, key visuals emerged: mismatched picnic blankets, beaded crafts, cherries, bright colors, and pops of red.

Put your images together, and your imagination will start sparking wildly!

Your visual identity doesn't need to be Pinterest-perfect or expensive. It just needs to feel authentically connected to your purpose and personality.

“Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” - Mrs. Frizzle

Plan Your Shared Activity

This is the teacher in me, but I firmly believe we grown-ups really need activities. (I am inspired deeply by how Mrs. Frizzle approaches this) Think of how your elementary school teacher would have a worksheet ready on your desk when you arrived — it gave your hands something to do right away.

I approach parties similarly. It's a kindness to guests to have something engaging happening from the get-go. Not everyone is a bubbly socialite, and having a shared activity helps both introverted and extroverted guests feel included immediately.

I landed on beaded fish keychains — super random, but something that felt summer camp nostalgic and approachable for everyone. As backup, I got bocce balls for anyone who wasn't into crafting. I'm so glad I had both options because we ended up loving the bocce games! I fully abandoned my half-made fish to play multiple rounds of the game.

Party planning anxiety: "What if the activity flops?"

Always have a backup, and remember that the activity is just an icebreaker — the real magic happens when people start connecting.

Watch the YouTube video to see Grant’s 3D Lizard.

The Complete Planning Checklist

3-4 Weeks Before:

• Define your purpose (write it down!)

• Choose your visual identity/theme

• Select the date and location

• Plan your shared activity

• Create your guest list (be intentional about who aligns with your purpose)

• Draft the flow of events with rough timing

• Make and send invitations

1 Week Before:

• Follow up with anyone who hasn't responded

• Make your grocery list if preparing food

• Create your playlist

• Gather activity supplies

Day Before:

• Get groceries

• Prepare food and drinks

• Set out decorations

• Pick your outfit

• Set up shared activity area

Day Of:

• Get dressed and ready

• Final food and drink prep

• Make final decor touches

• Turn on music

• Take a deep breath — you've got this!

Troubleshooting Common Worries

"What if no one comes?" Send invites 3 weeks in advance and follow up a week before. Most importantly, invite people who genuinely care about you — they want to celebrate you!

"What if I'm not a good host?" Hosting isn't about being perfect. It's about creating space for connection. Your guests want you to enjoy your own party. People remember how they felt, not how everything was executed perfectly. So focus on conversation, warmth, kindness, and quality time over all else.

"What if something goes wrong?" It will, and that's okay! Some of the best party memories come from the unexpected moments. Focus on connection over perfection.

"Am I being too extra/not enough?" If your planning aligns with your stated purpose, you're doing it right. There's no universal "right" way to celebrate. And as I’ve said many times before, you must keep your muchness!

“I believe, wholeheartedly, that when it comes to caring for people, “chill” won’t cut it. In fact, I think I reject nonchalance in nearly every aspect of my life. Care about things! Big things! Be incredibly curious and deeply interested! Solve real problems! Read, drink, eat, go, do—with muchness! At the end of my life, I want to be remembered as a moment-maker for my family, friends, and strangers alike — as someone who brought people together and gave them wind at their backs as they left feeling full.”

— From the Dinner Party Directory

My Party Details (Feel Free to Steal!)

Since there's no gatekeeping here, here are the specifics that worked for me:

Activities:

• Beaded fish keychains: beads, beads with fasteners too, wire, wire cutters

• Bocce ball set

• Fishbowl game (playing on the fish theme!)

Food & Drinks:

• Homemade iced cherry strawberry lattes using Transcendence Coffee’s Sakura syrup

• Cherry funfetti cake made in a heart-shaped dish with homemade almond frosting (and many, many cherries)

• King David's breakfast tacos from Grand Army Plaza farmer's market

Location:

• Prospect Park for the picnic portion

• My apartment for cake and coffee!

Decor:

• One thing that used to stress me out about hosting was thinking I needed to buy and store all these beautiful serving pieces and decorations. I discovered Tblscape, which lets you rent gorgeous tableware from designers I love (like Sophie Lou Jacobsen's glasses!) without the commitment or storage headache. It was perfect for creating my cherry-themed spread, and then I just packed it all up and sent it back. They're a fairly new small business that I think is going to take off because they solve such a real problem for hosts.

• Here is everything I rented, linked: faux cherries, cornflower ripple cups, topaz ripple cups, tablecloth, cherry cake plates, gingham napkins, lips serve tray, stainless steel coupes, primary plaid vase

• I reached out to see if they had any discounts I could share with you, and they created one just for my community! Use feelingmagazine20 for 20% off your order.

The Pep Talk Section (revisit as needed)

As you plan, remember these truths:

You are worth celebrating.

Your friends actually love you — not just like you, but genuinely love spending time with you.

Having a birthday doesn't make you a burden. People enjoy seeing you happy.

You deserve effort, time, and thoughtful celebration.

Life isn't that long, and you've got to get some cute parties happening, okay?

The whole point is intention, not perfection. There's so much to celebrate in simply being brave enough to gather people and say, "this life is worth marking." Whether you're planning for yourself or someone you care about, remember that the courage to celebrate is actually beautiful.

Just like choosing hope over fear when I moved to New York, choosing celebration over anxiety when planning a party is an act of bravery.

And on the other side of that choice? So much joy (and cake).

XO Jenna O.

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