As I was dating my now wife, Jenna, I had to learn really quickly about empathy. Sympathy was not enough. As she dove deep into sadness and lept high into joyfulness, there was something that always felt off if I didn’t try to see where she was coming from.
Being attuned to someone’s feelings wasn't instinctual for me. My upbringing shaped me to be independent, introverted, and detached from uncontrollable situations. Jenna was unpredictable, introducing me to emotional depths I had never imagined, and it was both startling and captivating.
I didn’t realize people wanted a friend in sadness. I didn’t know it was okay to sit in sadness. I also didn’t really know if it was okay to be happy. Feelings in general were a bit uncomfortable for me. Meeting Jenna, she was a force of feelings. When she had joy she was illuminated with a golden yellow glow. She brought real sunshine into every room with her and it radiated there after she left.
What a unique young woman, I thought.
Our 4 years of dating also brought with it an intense 4 years of extra-curricular education in the art of empathy. A word I only thought was a different way to say sympathy. Which.. it really all made me confused and a bit uncomfortable. But.. the one thing that was never confusing was how much I loved this girl.
Empathy 101: Listening, Not Fixing.
This was and still is a huge hurdle. I believed “bad” feelings must be fixed. Quickly. You’re sad? Let’s figure out how to not be anymore. You’re anxious? Let’s talk about how you shouldn’t be.
That thought process was hard to break - and it still takes a breath before I’m in listening mode rather than “fixing mode”.
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